This particular blog post may seem extra cheesy. Given all that has happened this semester so far, I think this post is needed.
*Note: I initially began to write this “letter to myself” last semester, but I figured it was time to finish the letter.
As you have already guessed, this semester has not been your finest. You have been challenged, and it most definitely came as a surprise. You’ve been misled and misguided. You thought you were headed down one path, and it changed suddenly. You made quick decisions, and you changed your mind. You changed your mind again. You laughed and experienced moments of pure joy and liberation. You cried and lamented with your peers. You spoke up when you felt you could, and you stayed silent when you were scared. I am sorry you felt you couldn’t say everything you needed to say. You don’t need to be silent anymore. You don’t need to be scared.
I am sure you already know this, but I hope you know that you don’t need to know everything. You don’t need to have it all figured out. You don’t need to take care of anyone else. You just need to let things be.
The last time you were having a “quarter life crisis” you were seventeen and confused about your academic interests. You played a lot of James Bay, and you went on walks alone. You watched movies with yourself and cried because it was oddly liberating. You studied unrequited love and used your life as a case study. You also listened to a lot of Hunter Hayes and Sam Smith when you felt rejected (good bops). You danced to Taylor Swift at 9 pm on school nights. You even wrote a letter to yourself, acknowledging which of your vices might impede on your judgements. (Looking back now, I find this to be slightly comical actually.) Regardless, you made this blog. You decided that you didn’t want to remain silent, and you wanted to speak to the issues that were most important to you. Yes, these issues might seem irrelevant to others—but this was your “coming of age” blog, so you had the freedom to say what you needed to say. I hope this blog can still be a space to be your most authentic self. I hope you can find humility in your “quirky” moments and you can look back and laugh at the weird moments that are graduate school.
I am sorry I have not always prioritized you in all of my decisions. I am sorry I have neglected you at times. I am sorry I forgot to play James Bay when times got hard. I am sorry I prioritized the opinions of others over your own. I am sorry.
You are capable of more than you know, and I hope you realize this. I hope you recognize the spaces of consolation in your life and the reasons why you love school. I hope you don’t let the opinions of others weigh you down. I hope you are open to what people have to say but recognize and acknowledge that your opinion is the most important. I hope you can learn to let go of what was good and what was not good for you. You deserve to be happy, and this begins with yourself. I hope you continue to play James Bay and smile even when the songs are weirdly sad (I really don’t know why his first album brings you joy, but I trust you haha). I hope you continue to go on walks alone and admire the birds. I hope you continue to jam out to Taylor Swift at 9 pm. I hope you continue to watch movies by yourself. I hope you continue to embrace your “flashlights” moments and call your friends when you are missing them. I hope you embrace the little wonders of your twenties because these times are important.
Well, I think that is all I have to say at the current moment. You got this, Ekman. (Yes, I know this is weird because of the use of third person, but just go with it.)
*hopefully more posts to come in the summer 🙂